There are many things that have happened in my life that have taken me to dark places. What I am going to share is something that was kept quiet for a long time in my environment and family, but over the years I have learned to speak and express my truth more and more.
When I was a child, I lived in a violent home, where my mother was abused and raped by her husband, the father of my younger sisters. This continued for several years. I never understood why my mother, whom I love deeply, allowed this. Some time later we had the opportunity to talk about it and bring it to light, from a loving place and without condemnation. Forgiving myself, my mother, and my stepfather has helped me let go of a lot, and I am still peeling back the layers of the onion.
I had this constant fear that something could happen, that he could explode and the house would turn into chaos, every man for himself. This was such a deep damage that it resulted in illness and addiction, as an adult I turned to alcohol and food. Trying to cover up all that pain and fear I experienced, loading my body with fat as a form of protection and to numb my emotions, because feeling hurt so much.
If you are reading this and have also experienced violence, the best thing to do is to talk about it and bring it to light, instead of pretending that everything is okay. Wounds are not healed by time, but by love and awareness. If you are in a relationship where there is violence (physical, verbal or emotional), I hope you can understand that this hurts you and your loved ones, including your children. I think that it is better to keep children away from a violent father, instead of thinking that they will have an absent father. Protection and security are necessary to live in peace and balance.
The after-effects that violence left on me go beyond the emotional: post-traumatic stress, damaged adrenal glands, constipation and thyroid problems (all the women in my family had them) for keeping quiet about all that, for fear of what people would say.
Today I choose to speak my truth, to speak out and say this time I choose love, to take care of my inner child and to heal from the roots everything that had been covered up and was dark. Yes, this requires courage. If one heals, we all heal.
Much love and compassion on our paths.
Lu Del Mar
